"I don't give a toot"
We're kicking off our Community stories with the lovely Kelly. An IT Director who runs her own business on the side, supporting neurodivergent business owners to solve IT problems.
Kelly and I met at a yoga retreat earlier this year, where it quickly became apparent that we had things in common! We met up in a local cafe to talk about her experiences, especially around being child-free by choice and how this has impacted how people have treated her. Here's a summary of our chat:
Tell me about your career highlights so far?
At the age of 27 I became the team lead of a team of 20 software developers. As a woman within the IT industry that was unheard of at that point in time, and as anyone who has worked with software developers will know, they are stereotypically male and can often struggle with some social skills, so I was really proud to be given that responsibility.
I know you’re child-free by choice, what drove your decision?
This is two fold - Firstly, my Independence - it was a conscious decision that I want my own freedom and the opportunity to travel whenever I like.
Secondly, I didn’t like the thought of bringing someone into the world where I had not learnt the lessons to aid them. My weight has always been something I’ve struggled with - I now have a coping mechanism in place, but I still get things wrong, so I wouldn’t want to pass on my own poor eating behaviours to someone else.
When I spend time around people with kids and they’re throwing tantrums, I always think ‘I wouldn’t know what to do, there’s no rulebook’.
How have people around you reacted to this decision?
People are often shocked and respond with statements like: “but you’re so good around children?!”, “you would be a brilliant mother”, or “oh what a shame”.
Alternatively people assume I can’t have children rather than opting to not have children.
Have you ever found people sharing unsolicited opinions on your lifestyle or your decisions?
Yes, all the time. I’ve had it from colleagues, family and friends. I receive a lot of “who will look after you when you’re old”, to which I now respond ‘Uber eats’.
Other comments have been things like:
“But isn’t that the importance of life to have children?”
“You’ll never feel true love”
“You’d make such a good mother”
“Who is going to sit in the front row at your funeral?”
Without realizing it, I seem to have surrounded myself with friends who don't have kids, but then I guess you surround yourself with people who are like you, or who you want to be like.
When people ask me why I don’t have children, I now say ‘Because I like to travel and I like handbags, and neither of them talk back to me’.
Have you ever found people making comparisons about you, your decisions or your lifestyle with other women?
Co-workers and acquaintances have often made comparisons over my choice, and the fact I’ll apparently never feel “true love”. As I work in a male dominated environment, men take a while to get used to the idea and then get over it a lot quicker then the women, whereas it seems to be women who are most opinionated about my decision.
I asked a group of older women that I work with ‘What do you think of my decision not to have kids?’ and they said ‘It’s weird - your body is literally programmed to reproduce’.
When I questioned back ‘So, you made a decision to have children and your son has down syndrome, but if you had known that earlier in the pregnancy, would you have kept the baby?’ and there was a very awkward silence. I’ve weighed up that risk ahead of time and decided it’s not worth it for me, but when you openly voice those thoughts things get tense and people aren’t willing to be open about it, despite how hard she’s clearly had it as a mum based on her son's diagnosis.
Have you ever felt the need to prove yourself to people in other ways, based on your decision not to have children?
At the beginning of my post university career there was a self imposed pressure to “be better”, or “be promoted quicker” type mentality as I was 100% committed to my work. As I have got older, I've realised that this was the media making me feel this way, and that my career success and not having children are not linked.
When you look at the successful women in the media, they often don’t have children, or at least didn’t a few years ago. Women like Oprah Winfrey, Jennifer Anniston and Helen Mirren were spread across screens, which gave the impression that ‘You can’t have both’. Based on this, I didn’t want to make the sacrifices or changes needed to have children as I enjoy my career and wanted to focus on that.
Have you ever had any uncomfortable conversations around your life choices as a woman?
Yes, I have needed to defend my decision regularly, it blows peoples minds that I have made an active choice not to procreate.
When people say things like ‘You’d make such a good mother’, my reply is often ‘But, I’d make such a good witch too’. It’s just a character you play and there isn’t a bone in my body that’s maternal.
When I see women who are doing it all - they have the career, eat healthy, exercise, have kids, have a great social life; I’m amazed, I often think ‘Write it down, I’ll buy it!’.
Have you ever noticed higher, or different expectations of you within the workplace as a result of not having children?
100%, the most common one is people assuming my time is more freely available because I don’t have children, whether that’s expecting me to stay late over someone with kids or giving me more ‘social’ responsibilities. An example of this was when somebody once said ‘You can run the secret Santa Kelly, you only have your husband to buy for’.
People also often assume I don’t want or need holidays during the school holidays, including Christmas, because the people with children want those dates.
I hit burnout a few years ago and it was because my boundaries were poor, I would take on more to let the others in the office leave early for commitments with their kids, rather than setting my own boundaries.
In one job, I used the narrative of ‘I can’t have children’ rather than it being a choice to see how it played out and this shifted the perspective; people were much more forgiving than when I’d made a conscious decision against the societal norm to have children.
I always wanted to be a director and used to work all the hours, then I realised ‘what got me here won’t get me there’ and I turned it on its head - now I have focused work time 8-4 and outside of those hours it’s my time.
I used to do 75 hours a week and now I do 37.5 which is my contract. If anything now, they respect my time more because I’ve set those boundaries.
‘Hustle culture’ seems to have become a social norm now, but do you notice it’s often a self imposed pressure?
Have you ever found the expectations of others to weigh on your mind?
When I was younger the social norms and the disappointment of my family that I "wouldn't give them grandchildren” did weigh on my mind but the older I have got, the easier the decision has been to live with.
My sister had two boys, and often in shops my mum would pick up pink clothes and make comments about how nice it would be to have a girl while looking at me, or find my old clothes and say ‘wouldn’t it be nice to pass these down?’.
Have you ever felt the need to make decisions that don’t align with your own wishes and ambitions, to be more aligned with society's expectations of you?
No. ‘I do not give a toot’.
Are there any women in your life who have inspired you to be unapologetic about your decisions?
In the past years, strong women who have been unapologetic that I have been drawn to on social media include women like Adele, although she has children she’s been very open about her weight loss which I have resonated with.
I’ve noticed that who you are inspired by changes over time depending on what you need in that moment; you see strength in some women, vulnerability in others and you gravitate towards people as you need them.
Has there been a turning point in life where you decided you were done worrying about the expectations of others?
Yes, when I turned 40 i rebranded the year as the “Fuck you” year and decided no more people pleasing, worrying about others or their expectations. I’ve kept this perspective ever since, I’ll often think ‘What does society want? Well, I’ll do the opposite!’. I’ve ticked the material things off I want and need like a house; I refuse to tick the child thing off.
What part of ‘Ambitiously Unapologetic’ resonates with you so far?
The fact you should be you, no matter what - being ambitiously unapologetic doesn’t mean you’re mean or nasty, etc. It means you have a strong self worth (in my opinion) and healthy boundaries.
These days, come 4 o'clock, I’m no longer available. It is about the power struggle, it’s gotten easier as I’ve got older because I’ve stopped caring what people think.
Do you want to be part of a community with more women like Kelly?
Coming soon:
Project: Unapologetic
We’re building an unrivalled community of strong, ambitious women who want to unapologetically live to their own definition of success.
You don’t need to have it all figured out, we’ll do that together
